As we continue this series on bridging the divide in our homes we look at the ever constant struggle of communication. Parents can sometimes feel that teenagers speak a different language that consists of grunts and shoulder shrugs. Last night I challenged the students with some basic ideas about communication I used Matthew 12:33-37 and James 3:5-7. The 2 main points I hit on were that 1) Our words reveal our character. What is in your heart will come out of your mouth so to fix your mouth you must fix your heart. 2) Our words have consequences. Our words have the power to hurt and the power to heal. I also imparted into them that 1) what they say matters. 2) when they say it matters 3) how they say it matters.
Now Parents I want to challenge you as they work on their end to become better communicators how YOU can communicate more effectively with your teen.
1) Listen to your teenager – Don’t look for key words or phrases so that you can jump all over them. Hear them out and listen for the who’s, what’s, when’s and where’s. When your teen feels that you are genuinely listening they will open up far more than if you interrupt with interrogating practices that places them on the defensive.
2) Talk with your teen not AT your teen – Ask questions, and listen. When a teen listens to a band that you don’t approve of or “get” talk to them about it. Ask questions like, “What do you like about this band?” “What are some other bands that you listen to?”. If they see a movie you aren’t thrilled about, talk about it. “What was it about?”. Often times they see something in the music or movie that you didn’t realize was there or that they were looking for.
3) Provide opportunities to communicate – I know you are busy…but SLOW down enough. Most parents couldn’t have a conversation with their teen if they wanted to because most families are passing each other in the drive way. Take time at least 2-3 times a week to eat together as a family. Let that be “safe” time to talk.
4) Don’t take it personally – A teenager is going through all kinds of mess. Hormones are raging. Personality swings. Identity crisis. It is all maddening and before you give me the “I went through the same thing” speech. Yes, you did and you probably drove your parents crazy. However, it is different. Students are growing up faster than ever. Due to cable and the internet they are bombarded with far more images and pressures to be a certain “something”. So, when a student yells, “I hate you!”. Don’t go nuts on them. Don’t take it personally. Be the grown up and recognize your teen is going through one of the tortures of life…puberty.
I know a lot of this sounds pie in the sky and your situation is probably far more complex than this can fix but if you can implement just a few of these practices then maybe your home will be just a bit easier. Feel free to comment your success or horror stories of communicating with teens.
Sean Rheaume 