Lessons from an OLD youthguy part 1

Today is my birthday, I am 36 years old.  Now that is not too old by most standards…in youth ministry it is getting up there.  When I go to youth conferences or to training websites and look around I see a bunch of tattooed, wild haired guys who never wore parachute pants or even knows what a pager was (early in my ministry I had a pager ministry).  36 is older still when you consider that I began in youth ministry as paid staff when I was 18!  So I have been doing this for over 18 years.  I have learned a lot over the years mostly the hard way because I was not smart enough to find an old youthguy and ask him what youth ministry was about…I knew it all and was going to blaze a new chapter in youth ministry…right next to Mark Yaconelli and Dawson Mcallister…you don’t know who they are?  Oh my God!

Lesson 1 – Your pastor is not as useless/clueless as you think he is

Thinking through this blog I may very well call my former pastors and apologize.  My own “My name is Earl” list.  I was young, cocky and incredibly disrespectful.  I more often than not saw my pastor as my adversary rather than my partner in ministry.  He was the “old way” of doing things and just didn’t get “it”.  Well some quick tips hopefully will help you not make some of the mistakes I have made.

1) Don’t think your responsibilities and his are the same

youth pastors have an enormous responsibility but when you act like the level of your responsibility is equal of that to the man that leads the vision for the entire organization you just make yourself look stupid.  He has to deal with deacons/elders, budgets, big givers to the church, hard headed staff, everyone whos marriage is falling apart RIGHT NOW and needs you, and oh by the way his wife and kids.  On top of that he has to preach to a crowd that won’t be impressed by games and funny stories so he has to you know…study.

2) Don’t think it is YOUR ministry

Average tenure of a youth pastor is 18 months and the average tenure of a senior pastor is 4-6 years.  From a churches perspective you come and go…don’t come in declaring that it is YOUR vision for YOUR ministry and demanding freedom, money and facilities.  Always remember it is the senior pastors vision for the church that you are executing in the area of youth ministry.  If your vision does not line up with the senior pastors…line it up or move on.

3) Don’t line up support

If you want to give the enemy a foothold in your church then begin having conversations with the deacons like “You get it, why can’t pastor understand like you do?”  Nut up and sell your case to your pastor.  This will do several things.  It will further communication between you and your pastor.  It will hone in your skills at casting vision.  It will let you know really quick if you guys can co-exist or not.

Now you might say, “yeah but Sean you don’t know MY senior pastor?”  I would say you are right but I have served in Tiny, Small, Medium and Large churches with passive pastors and Alpha military pastors and my advice is the same…that being said there may be a time if your pastor is simply not Godly and does not lead well that you have to for your health dust your feet off and move on…but I rarely think that you should be there as the instrument of change.  That is how churches split and there may be a youthguy out there that fits that pastor well and a pastor out there just waiting for you to fall into his office and show him the error of his ways.

Before you do that though may I offer a few suggestions:

1) Pray for your pastor

My relationship with my current pastor began to change when I committed to pray daily for him.  Not pray that he would come around to my way of thinking but praying for him as a person.  I asked him what specifically I could pray for and I would often email him prayers that I prayed over him so that he knew someone was praying for him.  Prayer softens and changes hearts.  Prayer makes it about Jesus’ kingdom not our own.  I submit that before you leave or schedule a walk out…pray.

2) Try it his way for a while

I love the scene in “Days of Thunder” where Duvall makes Cruise race the car 50 laps his way then 50 laps my way…turns out going a little slower actually made him go faster and saved his tires…there is a lot of wisdom in that scene.  Why don’t you spend a season doing it your pastors way…again he has probably been there longer and been through some youth guys who have made the mistake you are trying to make.

I am not a youthguy basher…I am a stupid youthguy basher.  In my cranky old age I see young YP’s make the mistakes I have made and it makes me queasy.  So, today pray for your pastor…thank God that he is there and serve with him and not against him.  If you can’t, go to the youth specialties site and look for a job…it has probably been 18 months anyway.

The best

This woman amazes me.  She has the power to make me laugh and to make me furious.  She knows when to smile and when to simply give me a nod.  She knows when to pray and she knows when to say “it’ll be alright”.  She gets me.  She is my best friend and every special moment of my life has her in it.  I thank God that he conned her into saying yes.  I thank God for teaching us to wait and to take our time until we found the right one…each other.  She is a Proverbs 31 woman in the best way.  She is the example of a pastors wife.  She is a gifted worship pastor and an incredible mother and an outstanding teacher.  Yes, you CAN be a good mother and work too.  When she smiles she scrunches her nose and her freckles get close together and my life just pauses.  I love her more than I did when I met her in High School.  I love her more now than I did when we dated in college.  I love her more than I did 11 years ago when she walked down that isle.  I love her so much.

She is the best.

Leadership Compass

Leadership happens in many different levels but unlike a pyramid or a flow chart leadership to me is set up more like a compass with you in the middle and the people that you lead at different levels shoot out up, down and horizontally.

DOWN

We all get leading down.  That is when I have authority over you in some hierarchy somewhere.  This is the easiest form of leadership because basically you can simply “boss” people.  With leadership on this level it is important that you as the leader are clear, direct and fair.  It is important to carry yourself with confidence AND humility.  It is important for you to inspire rather than intimidate.

UP

Leading up is difficult for leaders.   It takes a measure of humility and patience that is not natural to most type-A leaders.  However, it is crucial for every leader to learn to lead up.  Everyone is answerable to someone.  Everyone has a boss and how you lead that boss is vital to your health and the health of your organization.  How do you lead your boss you may ask?  Well I am an associate pastor so my boss is my senior pastor.  I lead him by serving.  I know that it sounds like a paradox but it isn’t I lead him by doing everything in my power to make sure he is his best.  I model for him the spirit that I wish to be conveyed to me.  I pray for him privately and I encourage him publicly.  That is how I lead him.

HORIZONTALLY

This is one of my favorite levels of leadership.  One of my favorite things to do is to lead other youth pastors.  I love leading them by teaching them from my experience and knowledge from 18 years of experience.  I lead other pastors through this blog, friendship and openness. To lead horizontally you must be secure in who you are.  Knowing that you don’t know everything but having confidence that you can help someone.

Leading happens in all different levels and each level requires different things from you.  Pray that God would give you what you need, develop you where you need it to lead on every level.

Thoughts from the Abbey

2 weeks ago I was privileged to spend the week with the monks at Mepkin Abbey.  I went on a fast of sound.  I did not speak a word to another soul for 4 days.  In a world of noise and constant activity this was to say the least surreal.  I first of all want to say that the commitment that these men of God have to prayer and hospitality is amazing.  Many of these moncks have been part of this life of service for decades.  I chose this as the sight for my week of sabbatical because deep down I did not need anymore sun, I didn’t need any more teaching or encouragement.  I needed to be quiet and listen for God.

Psalm 46:10 says “Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the heathen and I will be exalted among the earth.”

It is difficult in our culture to be still not only physically but to be still in our spirits.  To quiet our hearts…to be honest it took hours for the noise of my thoughts rumbling around in my head to subside before I really felt like I was in silence.

For 4 days I walked, rested, prayed and read.  I fasted noise, breakfast and lunch.  My desire was to purge sin from my heart, seek God for direction and enjoy his presence.  All of those things were accomplished.  I absolutely recommend all pastors do something like this in the next year of your ministry.

Some of the books I read were…

Doctrine by Mark Driscoll

In a pit with a lion on a snowy day by Mark Batterson

Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster

Switch by Dan and Chip Heath

Over the next days I will share some insight to what God revealed to me out there…however not all because some of it aint your beezwax.

So, without being judgmental when was the last time you were still and simply knew God?

Risks and the stories they provide

I don’t mountain climb…I am afraid of heights, don’t really like to hike all that much (much less at a 45 degree incline) and I don’t trust people easily.  However, I do know a lot of mountain climbers and one thing I know about them is they always have a story to tell.  There is always a near brush with death that led them to do something that they had never done before and emerged victorious on top of the jagged rock.  These are the same people that cascade down the white water rapids on a piece of tree bark or fought off a bear with a can of antiperspirant.  They always have a story to tell and to be honest they are great stories…but what makes them great?  The greatness of the story seems to be in direct proportion to the risk that took place.  When is the last time you have heard a really great story about a person floating down a lazy river or walking around the block in a neighborhood?

I was asking myself the question the other day, when was the last time I took a risk?  When was the last time I did something that was above the norm that would cause me not necessarily bodily harm but could damage my comfort and day to day life?  When was the last time I did something that would make a great story?  I need to live a life worthy of the story.

So I got to thinking what are some risks that we can take?  Well we can…

  • Begin a ministry/project that without God we are completely not qualified for
  • Share Christ with that person that you know doesn’t care
  • Choose not to watch your favorite TV show so that you can invest in someone’s life (this risk is the concentration on the word invest, because that requires more from us than just a few moments)
  • or…I guess you could go climb a mountain or attack a bear with deodorant

What risks are you taking? What stories are you writing?

Been there done that

Last week my wife gave birth to a beautiful son.  His name is Sean Thomas.  I can’t explain how much I love this boy.  The concept of being a daddy of a boy is overwhelming…however, that is not what THIS post is about.

Sean Thomas is our third child and over this past week I have noticed a trend in my parenting style.  Let’s just say that I tend to forget things.  Not important things like buckle his car seat or feed him.  Stuff like taking an extra diaper with me when I go off, burp him after he eats, keep him bundled in his lil swaddle at night.

Why the forgetfulness you may ask?  Because, as I said this is our third child…I have been there, done that.  I know what to do, right?  With my first daughter I was paranoid about everything.  Every detail was examined and researched.  I am pretty sure I got Google thrust into greatness with all my searching.  With my second child there wasn’t nearly the panic but still the attention was still given to detail.  However, I find that now…since I am an old pro and all I don’t need to sweat the details nearly so much.  So my precious son cries with a wet diaper, spits up on his mattress and basically looks at me like an idiot because I have been there, done that.

How much do we do this in our ministries.  We rely on our experience, we rely on our training because we have been here before we know what we are supposed to do right?  So, we don’t pay attention to the details.  We don’t look at what is simply what we perceive it to be based on our past experiences.

We need to stay diligent in our approach to ministry.  Don’t overlook the small stuff , the small stuff is the difference between excellence and diaper rash.

Youth Ministry and Modern Warfare

I have a confession to make…as a youth ministry veteran I am very lack in a crucial area of youth ministry and that is video gaming.  However, I just purchased a new PS3 and with it I purchased the must have game…Modern Warfare.  I am really bad at this game.  I play with Sean Gajda and Skyler Alexander and it is immensely embarrassing.  Although I am getting better…no really.

This morning during staff devotions Pastor Cal spoke on Spiritual Warfare and I slipped into a daze of video games and youth ministry…during that daze I thought of some pretty cool parallels of MW2 and youth ministry…enjoy.

The grenade is a crucial weapon for beginners.  One press of a trigger and when someone is shooting you they go out as well.  It is a bush league move but it works.  This is the easiest weapon to use.  You don’t have to aim, you don’t have to have any skill.  You just lob away and watch the impact.  This is done in youth ministry often.  I am the king of it actually.  You see we have a youth ministry that runs between 300 and 400 students.  I stand on the stage and lob my grenades with spunk!  It takes no more than a solid message and a good delivery and throw in some funny jokes and BAM!  Impact.  You get a lot of people that way but often you leave a mess as well.  There is very little chance of follow up and if a student heard a scripture wrong (or God forbid you misquoted scripture) there is often little chance of correcting that perception.  So a great weapon for large impact but also must be handled carefully and SHOULD not be the only weapon in your arsenal.

The sniper rifle drives me crazy!  By the time I find a good location and get a bead on someone I am playing against someone else already finds me and pegs me in the forehead.  This is an extremely powerful weapon that has huge advantages if you are willing to be patient and learn to use it.  This ministry is discipleship and accountability.  It means looking at a student and talking with them and not at them.  It means hurting when they fail not getting angry.  It means long talks over a coke about a struggle that they fell to AGAIN.  There is little chance of collateral damage and has an almost 100% success rate…even if they don’t get it now the time you pour into them will resonate for years/decades to come.

The annoying thing about playing this game with people who are “gamers” is that they know all the cool hiding places and the cool shortcuts to sneak up behind you and get you.  Knowing your terrain is vital in youth ministry.  Who are your kids?  What is their background?  How does your ministry experience line up with your students?  Knowing them is knowing what to teach them and how.  Knowing the terrain of your area will keep you from making rookie mistakes and having endless foolish conversations with parents because of a seemingly benign comment.  What can be said in Atlanta may be taboo in Augusta.  What is perfectly fine in Charleston may be out of the question in Greenville.  Your maps are important.

I am still learning this game.  I am trying to get my kill rate up and am learning my maps and weapon strategies.  I want to make an impact everytime I get in the game.  Wait…what game did you think I was talking about?

Lately…

So I have not been blogging lately and my tweets have even gotten spastic.  It is not due to anything weird just that all of my creative energy is going towards Breakaway.  However, to be honest I am not feeling that creative lately.  A lot is going on though so to fill you in…

  • We hired a new Middle School pastor.  Sean Gajda is a grad from CSU and has done some great work from my former church Remount Baptist Church in North Charleston.  He will focus on Middle School ministries but will assist in all areas.  He is a passionate communicator and loves the teenage culture.
  • My son Sean Thomas will be born a week from this Friday.  That has brought with it some extreme excitement as well as some humbling prospects.  I can’t wait to meet him, hold him, teach him and pray with him but Rheaumes have never been that good at raising sons so there is some concern there.
  • As I mentioned we are planning Breakaway and I am very excited about that this year.  However, with a new location, new staff and new energy it is a bit of a life-sucker.

So…I wouldn’t say that I was overwhelmed but I am definitely at the verge of whelmed.  However, I like this time…it is a time right on the edge of burnout where I can take a right turn and flame out or take a left turn and get recharged and inspired seeking God for new ways of accomplishing old ideas.  Figuring out how I can become more efficient and Worship centered rather than task centered.  So, I will take 2 weeks off and enjoy my new son, read and pray and thank God for the wisdom to turn left.

So what are you up to?

10 – 80 – 10 Youth Ministry Principle

There are tons of 10 – 80 – 10 principles out there so here is my fleshing out a youth ministry version of it.  There are many ways to debate health in youth ministry.  There are attendance numbers, decisions for Christ, baptisms, students who serve in ministry and the list goes on and on and on.  I am a youth pastor of a large youth ministry and have been a youth pastor of a small youth ministry.  There are successes and health in every size an type of model but one thing that allows me to at least quantify how we are doing is the good old fashioned bell curve.

The leadership 10%

The way I figure it (and I am sure I am not original in this idea) is that 10% of my ministry should be solidly on fire for Jesus…you know your all stars.  The ones that bring their Bible, crave the word and share Jesus at School.  These 10% are to be poured into and developed as leaders and disciplers themselves.

The high maintenance 10%

Then there are the other 10% of students that when you see them you wonder what in the world went wrong.  You don’t ever seem to be able to get through to them.  They are at the group to see their friends, to eat the pizza or to simply get away from home.  They are hardend and though we should never give up on them, they are typically the ones we manage not pour into.  (I know that sounds harsh and offends some sensibilities but you know who you pour into.)

The middle 80%

This is the where the battle is won or lost.  This is the crowd that we are fighting for.  Are they going to be led into the leadership 10 or the high maintenance 10.  These are the ones on the bubble that tend to fall through the cracks.  This is why we offer small groups, cell groups, accountability groups or whatever you offer.  We need to pray for these students, fight for these students and staff to these students.

This in my view is where the idea of health takes place.  If a ministry is skewed too much in the leadership area it tends to be inward focused and becomes a club of Christian teens.  However I have also led a ministry that focused on the high maintenance teens in a missions model that placed so much attention on some of the hardest cases that the leaders and teens that really should have/could have been developed for leadership felt outcast in their own youth group.  Finally if you focus so much on EVERYONE your ministry is flat and ineffective.  However if you are balanced you are developing a manageable amount of students and you have a solid crop of students to fight for/develop.  And you don’t have to feel bad about the 10% of students that are floating in and out because that number is moderate as well.

I know there are holes all in my blog here so poke away but I have found this to be effective as a ministry when I was running 25 3 years ago and it works now that I run 350 in our youth ministry.  Now, these are simplistic theories I know, theories that do not take into account the human element but it is a tool to help plot out the health of your group.  So, try it out…plot out your kids and see where you need to pour your time, energy and resources.  Have fun and tell me what you think.

The road to hell…

You have heard this quote before I am sure.  “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

I don’t know if mine will lead me to hell but they will definitely lead me to mediocrity and uselessness to the kingdom of God.

These are some of my stones that I tend to pave with with…

1st Stone – I intend to spend more time with individuals and pour into them because that is how true discipleship and spiritual transformation takes place.

2nd Stone – I intend to intentionally date my wife and play with my kids because they deserve more than my leftovers.

3rd Stone – I intend to exercise more because my body does not need to resemble a temple to be one.

4th Stone – I intend to spend more personal worship time because out of my time with God flows my attitude toward others.

5th Stone – I intend to become more efficient with my calendar and my time because God deserves everything he can get out of me.

6th Stone – I intend to read more and sharpen my leadership skill because bad leadership is a sin.

7th Stone – I intend to share the love of Jesus more and not rely on “lifestyle evangelism” that never leads to evangelism.

8th Stone – I intend on laughing more because who wants to follow an angry person.

9th Stone – I intend on giving more because I am rich.

10th Stone – I intend on helping the needy more because what I can give is needed by someone.

All of those intentions without execution will lead me to be a lazy, ineffective leader that will have little to no impact on the kingdom of God.  What are your stones?